So, yesterday during our Bigs meeting - we do this every Thursday, all the Bigs and staff meet together just to connect with one another- I was bequeathed "the helmet". Every week the helmet is passed on to a different staff to recognize and affirm them in who they are and what they've been doing. Different people recognize you in front of the group and then everyone writes a little note for you too. It was pretty sweet to receive this. It feels undeserved, but was good just for making me feel loved and beautiful in who God has made me to be and what he has me in this place for. Thanks Lord!
So on another note, kind of connected to this, I got to talk to M's counselor again yesterday. We were just discussing the block M has with me and how a lot of that stems from me reminding her of her mom. In this, her counselor said that as she had listened to people describe me when I was awarded the helmet she had seen that if people were to describe M's mom, they would most likely say very similar things - everyone thinks she's great. So why wouldn't M like her? It has a lot to do with feeling unable to live up to the expectations of someone who is "good at everything". So this is kind of a weird thing to write about myself because it seems prideful, but I'm striving for honesty. I know how many things I am not good at, but I also know I've heard this line my whole life, "You are just good at everything". And as I look back at my life from the time when I was really young, there are very few times I ever really dealt with failure. How has this impacted me and others? I'm trying to figure it out. I think its built into me this reliance on my performance to prove/find my worth. And with this comes a great fear of failure. That's one reason why working at the daycare was so hard and why this year with the certainty and yet freedom of failing is hard, but much needed for me. How has this impacted others- I think it builds walls. My lack of vulnerability (due to fear of failure) combined with others perception of not being able to live up to expectations make quite a wall... I don't know, I'm really just thinking through this as I'm typing. If you have any insight or personal examples for me please share.
Sweet Becky,
ReplyDeleteYes, walls are built when people only see the strengths that we have - and not our weaknesses. Your tendencies towards internalizing things until you have "figured them out" make it difficult for people to see that you struggle. But, precious girl, all it takes is the humility to look "stupid" for not knowing what you are feeling - and dealing with - and just being open and honest about it in front of peers. Of course this is translated differently to the littles as they are not your peers. But, frankly, our weaknesses are really our strengths, and so the more of your wounds, your mess-ups, your hurts that you share, the better off everyone will be. It was by His wounds that we are healed. I think that others can find healing in our wounds as well. Because it is in our weakness that He is strong. It is in our failures that people can relate to us. Especially if their failures seem to far outweigh their times of victory. Beg the Lord for perfect humility. That you will be humble no matter the cost - even if the littles take all the things that you show as weakness and use them against you. There will be great lessons for them as you continue to love them back anyway. It will hurt. It will be so unjust, but the Lord will protect you. And as far as sounding prideful in your email, precious girl, no. You weren't prideful. You were perfectly clear in addressing the situation. So, don't even let that cross your mind. You bless me, Becky Blackmon. I love you.