Marriage

This has been a theme the past couple of days, here are a few that you can be in prayer for.

-One LeadTimer, Josh and his wife. They have only been married about 7 months. She has yet to get a job since they moved here for the program. Finances are tight and there is lots of stress on the marriage. He left early yesterday and did not come in today. Pray the Lord would move mightily and enable Josh to lead his wife in truth.

-Another LeadTimer, Jeff just went back to Texas to get his wife and move all their stuff up here now that their house sold. However they have had U-Haul issues and so are a few days late getting back. Please pray for safe travel and adjustment to the new shape their married life will take on here.

-Our over night staff for the girl's house, Liana, is really struggling in her marriage and getting to the point of giving up. She knows the things she needs to do but just doesn't think its worth it. She know the Lord so pray he would unite them and hold them together for his purposes.

The Helmet

So, yesterday during our Bigs meeting - we do this every Thursday, all the Bigs and staff meet together just to connect with one another- I was bequeathed "the helmet". Every week the helmet is passed on to a different staff to recognize and affirm them in who they are and what they've been doing. Different people recognize you in front of the group and then everyone writes a little note for you too. It was pretty sweet to receive this. It feels undeserved, but was good just for making me feel loved and beautiful in who God has made me to be and what he has me in this place for. Thanks Lord!

So on another note, kind of connected to this, I got to talk to M's counselor again yesterday. We were just discussing the block M has with me and how a lot of that stems from me reminding her of her mom. In this, her counselor said that as she had listened to people describe me when I was awarded the helmet she had seen that if people were to describe M's mom, they would most likely say very similar things - everyone thinks she's great. So why wouldn't M like her? It has a lot to do with feeling unable to live up to the expectations of someone who is "good at everything". So this is kind of a weird thing to write about myself because it seems prideful, but I'm striving for honesty. I know how many things I am not good at, but I also know I've heard this line my whole life, "You are just good at everything". And as I look back at my life from the time when I was really young, there are very few times I ever really dealt with failure. How has this impacted me and others? I'm trying to figure it out. I think its built into me this reliance on my performance to prove/find my worth. And with this comes a great fear of failure. That's one reason why working at the daycare was so hard and why this year with the certainty and yet freedom of failing is hard, but much needed for me. How has this impacted others- I think it builds walls. My lack of vulnerability (due to fear of failure) combined with others perception of not being able to live up to expectations make quite a wall... I don't know, I'm really just thinking through this as I'm typing. If you have any insight or personal examples for me please share.

Captivating Ch. 3

We're also studying "Captivating". This week I've read and been thinking about how as a result of the fall the vulnerability and beauty gifted to women has been marred and replaced with a curse of loneliness, desire for control, and living under male dominance. Every woman is asking "Am I lovely?" and seeking to protect herself either through dominating and controlling, or being desolate and hiding. She then fulfills her hearts longings through little addictions and indulgences and quiet the longings temporarily but really only serve to separate her from her heart and fail to resolve the deeper issues. In this I've seen my more clearly my own fear of others and doubt that I'm worth paying attention to. This results in me hiding my true self and only offering what is wanted, not speaking up, busying myself, basic self protection. So obviously, living here has faced me to deal with these things day in and out as I am rejected and misunderstood. But I praise God, because even as I clearly see my struggle I see a lot of change and victory that the Lord has brought me to. From sharing when my heart is burdened with something in class even though it might be uncomfortable, to getting to know a homeless person in Boulder, to confronting Littles when I know how they will react...I see his growth and this is exciting! Though I have so far to go, I know He is moving me forward.

Strengths

So we're studying and exploring this topic some- and have watched some little videos by Marcus Buckingham- who studies people and their Strengths. He defined strength not traditionally, as the things you are good at, but instead as the things that make you feel strong. This is a neat way of viewing strengths. Instead of other people defining your strengths for you, you are the only one who can define your strengths and it involves more than just your talents, but your passions.
Anyways, my top 5 strengths are
1)Relator
2)Achiever
3)Developer
4)Belief
5)Connectedness
A relator thrives off deep intimate relationship- one-on-one, really knowing people. And achiever loves to work hard and accomplish things. Both of these are true to me. Do you know what your strengths are?

Psalm 149:4

For the LORD takes pleasure in His people. He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.

Unity

Please pray for unity for our team. We're starting to deal with division and personality clashes. Praise God that He has made us each as a much needed part of His body- unified by His Spirit, which is much stronger than all our differences. Pray that we would love and consider other before ourselves and be unified Christ amidst difficulty as a testimony before the Littles.

1 Corinthians 12

Something related to this that I am personally asking the Lord for help with is knowing and being ok with the part of the body that he has made me. It is easy to see the way other people are received or their talents and wish I was an "eye" instead of an "ear". But God has arranged the parts of the body, every one, just as he wants and if they were all one part where would the body be? And what God sees as valuable is not what man sees or what produces the most results or is best accepted on earth.

On a walk the other day I noticed the difference between the rugged wild beauty of nature (weeds, bugs, flowers, pretty plants, things that were dead, trees, ugly plants, animals, all mixed together) and the picturesque beauty of the man-made neighborhoods (perfectly cultivated and structured beautiful houses and gardens). How true is this to life? What God sees as beautiful and what man sees as such are so different. I desire to line my heart up with my head in this and walk in confidence in my Lord as the head of the body and the part of the body he has made me to be.

A day in the life - Mood ring

Jenna and I listened to this on our last break and cracked up because it is so stinkin' true to life here.

Mood Ring by Reliant K
we all know the girls that i am talking about
well they are time bombs and they are ticking
and the only question's when they'll blow up
and they'll blow up; we know that without a doubt
cause they're those girls, yeah you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them

and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...

she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"

if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize

and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...

she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so stressed out that it's soothing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"

cause when it's black (it) means watch your back because you're probably
the last person in the world right now she wants to see
and when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately
and ask her out because she'll most likely agree
and when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
and when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless (and that's all right i must confess)

we all know the girls that i am talking about
she liked you wednesday but now it's friday and she has to wash her hair
and it just figures that we'll never figure them out
first she's jekyll and then she's hyde....at least she makes a lovely pair

mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind

C - Little of the Week

Wow, what a turn around has occurred in C this week. All the Littles had their "staffing" on Monday where they get feedback from all the staff here about how they are doing an things they need to work on. Well C got a lot of hard things and challenges shared with her, because she has just been in a bad place for a long time now and things really needed to change if she was gong to stay in the program. and its like she's been a new girl this week. She's been working on her treatment plan, doing her chores, taking shower, smiling more and being more respectful. So even though, she's still got much to work on, we awarded her "Little of the the Week" today for the changes she has made. And, we found out after giving her this, that she broke up with Nick, the guy who was not good for her and consuming her and causing her to avoid her real issues today. AND, she apologized to N in front of everyone for beating her up a few weeks ago. WOW! Way to go Lord!

The difficult part of this, is that C is probably going to have to leave soon even though she is finally starting to move forward. Her mom is trying to get he into some state program. Because C has been so up and down and was pretty much on the last straw here, she had been looking in to other options for her. Even though she is doing well, whenever she is accepted into this other program, her mom is planning on pulling her and moving her there, because she is afraid that otherwise C will just end up getting kicked out and she will have no where for her to go. So please pray for the Lord's hand in all of this...We don't want C to leave, but that is her mom's choice- we know the Lord can take care of it.

Shelterwood Site

This is a fairly recently updated web-page that has interviews and information that shares more information about the program the Littles are going through here.

http://www.shelterwood.org/

My struggle

Being real and being myself with the Littles.

It's not very difficult with the Bigs and staff.

But with the Littles what I have to offer isn't really wanted, and I'm rejected over and over.

Due to fear and vulnerability, my natural response in the middle of this is to
just turn off
disengage
not pursue
shut down
not offer my true self anymore.
Half the time I forget who I am and what I have to offer.
I think I struggled with this a lot at the daycare too. Too many tasks to accomplish and my real heart not being wanted anyways, so just turning it off.

Pray that I would be aware of who I am in the Lord and offer myself without condition and regardless of response. That I would fully engage and be real around the Littles.

Morocco and Missions

Monday morning we had a morning of learning about and praying for Morocco. Four LeadTimers from last year's class are headed there on a missions trip until December. We watched part of the movie “Babel” that was filmed there- it just wrenched my heart. I wanted to be there. It reminded me so much of Nepal. The simple, weathered, beautiful, generous people. No entitlement – so different than us and our world. I just love that world- I love those people. I think I cry even more for us and our blindness to them and to life than for them. I don’t know – Monday really opened up a yearning from the depth of my heart – I always know its there, but it hasn’t been opened a whole lot lately. Lord, please do with that what you will. I'm glad we have a big God, sovereign over this big world, with a big heart for all its people.

Campfire

Pam and E


B, T & NW, Desi

Last Saturday night we had a successful house night full of kickball, bonfire, smores, and guitar. What could be better? And most of the girls actually participated and enjoyed it!

Some Introductions

Desi and Book- our girl's house directors. These beautiful women are roomates. They live off property, but spend a lot of time at the house. They deal with money, Dr's appointments, parents, etc. Most importantly they've got our back on discipline and come to our rescue in crisis situations. Book is discipling me this semester.



"Granny" (Jenny) and "Papa Joe" - our LeadTime Directors. What a blessing these 2 are. They plan all our studies and activities as a LeadTime class and just disciple us and walk before us. I have much to learn from them and love their unique personalities and hearts for the Lord.



Julie- she's Direct Care Staff for the girls. She's crazy and fun and has spent a lot of time getting to know our LT class. Its nice to have her and another DC around who are more familiar with the girls and the routine than we are.



Jones, one of the Counselors for the Littles. She is also a lot of fun and has made a great effort to welcome our class, get to know us, and bless us.

Praire Dogs- the squirrel of Colorado

Isn't he cute? These guys rule the ecosystem out here. We also have a ton of rabbits - and I saw my first snake this week too. Praire dogs look cute scurying all about between their tunnels, barking, and peeping out of their holes, but they're actually kind of ugly up close. I'm betting that before I leave Colorado I will hit one on my bike because they're always making a mad dash in front of my tires.

What a wierd place Colorado is- so much life and ruggedness. I still can't get over the mountains, the smell of pine, or the little streams everywhere....And don't forget the fact that the temperature has been in the sixties all week! This place is good for my soul.

M's progress

So, about a week ago, M had an epiphany. She realized that she’s pretty much made no progress here the last 3 months due to the fact that she isn’t being herself. M is definitely the “best” kid here in that she’s never had issues with sex, drinking, drugs, etc. However she still has a lot she needs to work though but instead she’s getting upset over things she isn’t really upset over and dealing with other people’s issues instead of her own. She doesn’t want to do this anymore! Praise the Lord. She’s talked with both her counselor and her parents about it and is now just trying to make the daily changes to walk it out. Thank you so much for your prayers for her. Please pray for power and freedom now that she is really ready to move forward. More than anything that she would know her worth and the depth of the Lord’s love for her.

M and I had a good Big-Little last Friday, we baked together. It was nice to have time together and a chance to ask her real questions because she had been ignoring me again since our one real conversation and doing some things to intentionally hurt me. During our Big-Little,M told me that a lot of the reason she has trouble opening up to me and responding to me in a healthy way is that I remind her a lot of her mother. She wasn’t sure why other than that I was “strict”, but she knew this wasn’t the full extent of why I reminded her of her mom. She and her mother do not have a good relationship. I know from M’s counselor that her mother holds up an “I’m perfect” image and although she hasn’t said it, I’m afraid she may view me this way too. I’ve talked to her about this a little, but please just pray for opportunities for me to be real and broken before her. Also, although it kind of makes things difficult in the immediate, the fact that I remind her of her mother in the long run could be a really good thing. Pray our sovereign God would use this to move mightily and bring healing in their relationship.

Fun with the Littles

SJ and T with Ashley at our dance party Friday night



A with Katie, her big. A was honored as "Little of the week"



NY, B, and SJ Monday on our outing to downtown Denver.

Throwin' blows

Umm, so we had the joy of experiencing our first fight last night. Sunday night, during study hall time we have "Sunday Schpele". This means that while the girls are locked away in their rooms studying (yeah right) - The girl Bigs have a chance to get on the same page and catch up with one another. Its a very important and much needed time. Well, last night, we finished Sunday Schpele to find lots of excitement and whispering. So we're trying to figgure out what's going on and it ends up that one of the Littles beat up another Little during Sunday Schpele. That made for a long night- yes, with trying to figgure things out and calling the house director and cops, and settling everyone down, but much more than with these things, with my heart. Its amazing how the moment one person or situation escalates here, so does everything else. Its like everyone has to try and find some way to "one up" whatever is going on and try and get more attention for themselves. Its crazy. After things settled down last night, the moment I opened the door to my room I fell apart- and that lasted a few hours till I fell asleep. I don't know why everything here tears me apart so much, it just does. Satan is such a punk- I was really mad at him last night.

Today was fun. The Littles were out of school, so for the ones that weren't room grounded we tried to just get them out of the house. I got to take 3 girls to downtown Denver to this outdoor mall, and some of the other girls went iceblocking. I was a Little nervous becuase it was my first time to take Littles off property by myself, much less to downtown Denver, with 3 girls that I did't really have a relationship with. But they were so good. They are always a million time better one-on-one or in small groups. Even though there was no deep relationship building today, I am trusting that as over time we get to do things with the girls and serve them in different ways they'll come to see us as people and decide they might want to get to know us.

I had a great realization yesterday afternoon....... I'm not supposed to be friends with the Littles. I am supposed to love and serve them, but not be their friend. The Bigs and staff are for that. Not the Littles. And that may seem like a no-brainer, but its really hard to tell that to insecure emotions that desire for the girl's approval and friendship. But that's not my role. And really in just being here and being consistent and taking the opportunities the Lord provides and speaking truth He can use me perfectly. And as much as it may feel like it, this doesn't require being their friends. I guess its kinda like being a parent.

Tomorrow is our first day of LeadTime class. Yay!

Catch Up

Sorry I haven't written- things are pretty busy around here
Wednesday and Thursday morning were difficult. I think just because of so much change (coming back to property, new Bigs and a new Little, school starting back) emotions were heightened which was draining. It’s easy to see yourself the way others see you too- and so just struggling with feeling worthless. Then Thursday afternoon after the Littles had group counseling they decided to “initiate” us by hiding with one of the counselors and faking a “run”. And then they wanted to play this silly game to embarrass each of the Bigs. Even though they may have felt like “haha, we’re initiating them”, they really were enjoying themselves and it was a sign of acceptance to us.

Then Thursday night M finally talked to me for real – apologized for ignoring me and just told me some about her past and things she struggles with. Praise God! This is a big victory. It was kinda cool because I had e-mailed asking for prayer about that Thursday afternoon and late Thursday night, when M came to get me another Big, Ashley has just asked me about her and how things were and I didn’t really know how to answer. So thanks for your prayers.

Friday morning was super encouraging. Every Friday morning the Bigs have worship/prayer and girls/guys small group. The girls are going through “Captivating” this semester. I am really excited about this time to share, grow, and seek the Lord together, and this week it was just a reminder of a lot of the reason why we’re here. We knew that, but since we hadn’t really done it yet, I had forgotten.

I also got to talk to M’s counselor on Friday morning. This was very insightful and helpful. Then Friday afternoon and evening was just hanging out with the Littles. The old Bigs were allowing M to do things that I felt like was allowing her to manipulate them and stay where she was rather than move forward with her therapy. Her counselor confirmed this and said we needed to change things and that she would help by speaking with both M and the Bigs.

Friday is the official Big/Little night – Time where we hang out and do fun things with our assigned girls. M has “hours” though which means that we can’t leave property. “Hours” are work hours that the girls are given as consequences. Me and M didn’t really do anything for Big-Little, but that’s ok. Some of the girls go to Celebrate Recovery at our church on Friday night too. Also, a couple girls got room grounded b/c some tobacco was found in a bag when they came back from break. This means one of us has to be at the house and with them pretty much all the time.

Saturday morning the girls get to sleep in some and then we do “work project” – mainly cleaning up around property. I lucked out and got to go on the Walmart run during work project to get the kids requests for them. We just hang out for the afternoon and then tonight we have “house night”. We’re all just gunna have a game night together.

So I know this was probably a little hard to follow, but maybe it gives a peek into what things are like around here.