Christmas Break

The Blackmon family Christmas. It was great to be at home with my family- to get to rest and enjoy all the things I love about them as well as some tasty mom-cooked food.


With Ally and Sis. Ally and her husband came over for Christmas. As did my aunt and the Mendekes. It was fun to have people over at the house and get to spend time with friends.


Me and my man Justus. I got to spend a few days in College Station hanging out with old friends (and lots of children). This time was full and extremely encouraging.


Breakfast with friends from TAMS. Rachel, Ryan, and David.

Catch up on Littles

Christmas Party in the girl's house


I'm sorry for slacking on updates this month.

Earlier this month J was sent to a different lock-down facility in California becuase the therapists here and at a local mental hospital decided that this is not the best place for her right now. I was really sad when she left, becuase I felt like she had been a little gift to me, but I know the Lord's purpose was perfect in the time she had here and where she is headed now. I have not heard from her since she left, but would love to be able to keep in contact with her.

K2 ran earlier this month and actually got away- no one heard from her for a couple weeks. But her plans of where she was goig to stay fell through and she contacted her parents and is now back at home with them. Praise the Lord that she is safe. We will definitely miss her here. Pray for her parents as they are trying to set strict boundaries and change a lot of things at home.

5 of the girl Littles who are still in the program (including M), graduated from Shelterwood Highschool right before Christmas break. Most of them are looking for jobs when they return so that they can work during school hours each morning. This should bring some big changes this semester.

One precious girl finished and graduated from the whole program. (The is the first girl to complete the program since I arrived) She is not a believer and has been very curious about the Lord and yet outwardly very opposed to him her whole time here. Please pray for her salvation- that as she remembers this place, she would see the difference of the Lord's love and turn to him.

Progress

This week has been both hard and good for my class. It was so refreshing just to be back together on Tuesday. We are one another's friends and family and community, so its encouraging to be together again after break. Things have been pretty tense with the Littles in both houses this week though, and then with losing one of our teammates, and 2 of the girls in my class going through stuff that's really hard(one almost left this week) - it's just been hard. However, we got to spend hours and hours just praying for one another this week instead of doing our normal class stuff, so that was really good. We also had fun time together on days off and suzy night- played some fun "Imagine If".

Last night I had a really fun Big-Little with J. She had 4 hours she had to work off after school in order for us to go. But she really wanted to so she started scrubbing the bathrooms right after school and worked hard until she got them all off. We went to the mall and had cinabon, sat by the big fire, got mesages in the chairs at Brookstone, and tried Bath and Body Works products. For someone who doesn't like the mall (me), it was a lot of fun. I guess the mall is ok so long as you're not shopping. :o)

I got to talk with M last night too. (she couldn't come on big-little because she has hours). She and her mom made a lot of progress over break, and as a result of this, she is ready to have real relationship with me. This is really exciting- both for her family and for me. it is scary too though. I already love her so much, even though I don't have much of a relationship with her, I know that will only grow as I get to know her better- and that's scary because it means it will hurt worse if/when she decides to quit and ignore me again. But, I trust my Jesus and know that whatever happens, he is in control and it is worth it.

Here's a praise- it looks like SJ is going to get to stay through May and complete the program. She was having ot leave for financial reasons and somehow they were able to work something out, so this is exciting.

Dropping Like Flies

So you may know that out of the total 12 people who have been part of my LeadTime class since August, two (guys) have already left. So, it has kind of become the running joke, when things are hard that we are going to "run" (a term use for when the Littles run away)- If they can run, we can too! Just pack up our stuff and leave :o) But all joking aside, life at Shelterwood is tough, and so it is a very real feeling that people often want out. Thus, before Thanksgiving break, I very seriously looked around the table at everyone in my class and told them that they all had to come back! No one else was allowed to leave! I guess that my admonition didn't work. Today is my last day off- I haven't been back to property yet, but I just got back to civilization, and in my inbox had an e-mail from my classmate Jodi saying that she wouldn't be returning...Man...I love Jodi, I wasn't super close to her, but she was a lot of fun and I know a lot of the Littles really loved her...this is probably what's best for her- I know its what she feels like she's supposed to do right now...I just don't like it. I don't like inconsistency- and to me, commitment that for whatever reason isn't followed through with, is inconsistency....Pray for her as she moves home to work through some things she's been avoiding. Pray for the Littles who have a really hard time with change and "abandonment". Pray for our class as we experience yet another loss to our family...Lord show up in this place once again.

How to Save a Life

Many of you have probably heard this popular song by the Fray. Did you know that it was written about Shelterwood? It's playing at the coffee shop right now, which is what made me think to post it.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Catch Up

Property covered in snow!

The Flatirons covered in snow!

Ok, so I apologize for my lack of posting on this blog for the last month. Now that I have a little time off, I'm going to try and make up for it.

Most of the Littles are at home for their 10 day Thanksgiving break. As they hit the half way point and things are probably very difficult for most of them, please keep them and their families in your prayers.

M's counselor, Dawn, is actually flying out to stay with her Friday to Monday, so please pray specifically for them during this time.

Its been really quiet around property the last week. There are only 3 girl Littles still here. K, K2, and J - these are the newer Littles that aren't allowed to go home yet. It's so weird to sitting in the front room of the house with maybe only one girl and no yelling! The Bigs each get 5 days of for Thanksgiving, so we're just rotating whose here and whose home for their break. We're trying to take the girls out to do something fun each day to make the time go by faster and get their minds off of being away from home. We've hung out in Denver and Boulder and Estes- watched an extreme ski movie, driven through Rocky Mountain National Park, toured the Celestial Seasonings factory, gone sledding and ice skating, and watched lots of movies and eaten out a lot. :o) However, K and K2's families came out here to visit them for yesterday and today, so they are spending time with them. Today we're having a big Thanksgiving lunch on property.

Above: K ice skating in Boulder

J is my new Little. She is 15, but seems younger because she has some learning disabilities and mild cerebral palsy. These things also make her really socially awkward, but she is precious! She was so excited when it snowed Tuesday night and Wednesday. She sledded and ice skated for the first time! Here's a picture of us with a tiny snowman we made:


Another girl little, D, was supposed to be here for break, but her parents decided to bring her home and in so doing, take her out of the program. She is now the 3rd girl Little to leave since we arrived. (AMS left a couple weeks ago after the court placed her with her Aunt and Uncle, which was a praise, and C is doing well in her new program) The constant coming and going of kids is just part of life at Shelterwood, but I am not quite used to it yet. Another little, SJ's parents will be taking her out of the program at Christmas break too. She is 18, has been here for over a year, and they just can't afford for her to stay any longer. Please be in prayer for her as she makes plans for where she will live and what she will do in 4 weeks. More than that pray that God would really cement some important truths in her heart before she has to leave.

Mom's visit

Mom flew out and visited for her birthday. She got us a little cabin in Estes park to stay out. Other that some crazy ATV riding and me pelting things with my slingshot, it was a quiet weekend in the mountains.


My childish antics

The impossible puzzle

Our little cabin

ATV extreme fun

Me and mom on our hike around Bear Lake

Narrow Roads

Narrow Roads was a spiritual retreat that took place at a little camp outside Estes Park. We took a really neat group of 12 Littles- they were fun, they did really well with a lot of quiet/contemplative time, they were very honest, and there were no boy-girl issues (which makes everything better). It was also nice to have more Bigs/staff then Littles around - this completely changed group dynamics and gave us time together too. God was clearly at work there. Just the maturity the kids showed and their honesty about hard issues was huge.


All the Littles at Narrow Roads


Jodi and M during our "easy hike". We went on an afternoon hike that proved to be longer and more difficult than expected. Jodi and M were tired and hung out together while the rest of us finished the last part of the hike.


Ashley and T on the hike. "Cool!" "Wow!"


A & SJ (roomates) at Narrow Roads. "A", who was in my small group, "doesn't believe in God". She thinks there's a higher power of some sort, but because of life experiences has decided that whatever it is, she wants nothing to do with it. Its funny because she chose to come on this "spiritual retreat" (probably mostly because other people wanted her too), but then the whole time she was there she was trying very hard to tune everything out and not really enter into it- like she's afraid of ending up believing in God again. So much so that she had to make a list of all the reasons she hates God, because she was beginning to forget and be unsure...it was obvious that although she was pretty closed off to the whole thing, a major battle was going on inside of her. "SJ" who really struggles with self hatred and feeling like she should be a boy was met by the Lord during a worship on day at the retreat and assured that he made and loves her the way she is. This is huge and I'm excited to see what will come as she embraces this truth!


Jeff, Jodi and Jason by the nice fire place in the dining hall that served us great food that we didn't have to cook or clean up!


All the bigs: Ashley, Julie, Pam, Sarah, Jason, Jeff, Jenna, Katie, Jodi, Becky


The mountains were beautiful!

Today

This morning went really smoothly- there were a lot of tears, but no mass chaos, which is amazing. We already greatly miss C but are trusting our perfect Father with her. Pray for brokeness rather than bitterness and hardness as her life is turned upside down again. It is wierd to think how hard it is to see one of the Littles go after only a couple months. I can't imagine what it will be like at the end of this year. This place is always changing.... C is gone and K2 has arrived and is in her old room and life moves on. I think one neat opportunity in this is it makes all the girls aware of how unstable their lives really are and just causes them to think about life and what matters and is lasting- pray God would enter into those thoughts.

Today we finished planning our Narrow Roads retreat that we are leaving for next Monday. We'll spend Monday through Wednesday afternoon at a retreat center in Estes Park with our whole LeadTime class and 12 Littles. I'm very excited for this time. This afternoon we invited the Littles we wanted to be a part of it to go . There are a few who are still unsure if this is something they want to do- pray that God would bring the perfect ones ready to meet with him next week.

This morning began something new for the girl bigs- after breakfast when the kids go off to school each morning we are going to eat and clean up together and spend time in prayer together before class starts. I am so excited about this. Pray that we would really be faithful to do this as I know it will be opposed.

Guess what? Tonight I finally had good time with M! Praise God! After talking to her Friday and just trying to be more intentional in loving and pursuing her since then, she finally let down the wall and interacted with me tonight, so I capitalized on the opportunity and spent time with her in her room after beds. It was good- AND out of nowhere (although she said she'd wanted to ask me for a long time?) she asked me if I wanted to read through "The Purpose Driven Life" with her! Wow- wahooo! I know the walls may all be up again tomorrow, but I am hoping and praying for more and am excited at what could be ahead.

The Morrocco Team arrived home safely and will be sharing with us this week. We are praying for all that they have to sort through as they return, and that one of them will want to be our new night duty person. Speaking of which, Liana, our old night duty person just found out that on top of all the other drama in her life, she has a hereditary brain and muscle degenerative disease that is goign to kill her. Please keep her and her family in your prayers.

Sickness

There seems to be a virus spreading around the girls house. A few of the girls have it already, and it is not fun - especially since they don't have mommies here to care for them. Please pray for quick healing and for us to be sympathetic and able to care for and comfort the girls.

A Full Saturday

This morning we took the girls to help with a yard work day the Senior Center was hosting. This means we raked lots of leaves for 4 hours at homes in an elderly community. The girls had to get up early and this was a lot of work, but they did great. i was really proud of their attitudes and the work they did. After we got back from work project and had lunch I went to the insanely busy Walmart with one of the Littles to pick up all the Walmart requests for the week and then we got to go work in the preschool at our church. Then a stop to buy pumpkins and back to property to set up for house night where we carved pumpkins, made caramel apples, popcorn balls, and apple cider. It was a lot of fun. But I am worn out.

The Morroco missions team (from the last LeadTime class) was supposed to arrive back in Denver tonight but because of some French airline flight is stuck. Hopefully they'll make it back tomorrow. Please pray for them as they re-enter life here and get over sickness and just weariness. They will be sharing with us in class next week.

The lady who was doing our overnight duty got fired. This means we've been taking turns sleeping in the front room of the house. Pray for a quick replacement- we're hoping one of the old Bigs returning from Morroco might be interested.

I talked to M last night. she wasn't responsive, but it was good for me just to tell her where I am at and communicate again my desire for relationship with her. Pray that I would love fully and not hold back.

C leaves Monday morning- here mom as well as an escort service are coming to get her and take her to the state program she is moving into. Please pray for her last day here tomorrow, for the chaos of Monday morning, and for C as she transitions. Its hard to see her go- She's been here a year and is known and is loved here - its hard to imagine moving being good for her (especially since she's been moved around her whole life) but we trust God has the perfect place prepared for her to draw her to himself more... anyways this is oging to be a rough day/week, so please pray.

In search of a friend?

I think I've shared several times what an awesome community I have here. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But there's something I miss- having "my friend". Someone I can do anything and nothing with, that I know and knows me and I share everything with, the one person I always go to....A community of people is awesome, but I would really like to have that one-person. Jesus had the tweleve but also something special with Peter James and John. Please pray that my heart and motives would be pure in this and not seeking to fill personal lonliness with a person rather than the Lord. And pray for my patience and willing to offer myself to others while waiting for his provision.

First snow in Westminster

I am currently at Caribou- my favorite coffee shop (loved for its free Wi-Fi and proximity to property)and this is the view outside the window. Its snowing! What a fun way to end parent's weekend- the weather has been beautiful the last 2 days and now we get snow. This has been a really special weekend. To see the nervousness and excitement- some blowouts but people moving past them, to get deeper insight into what these kids are coming from. One of my highlights of the weekend was getting to take a few older sisters (college/post college) out to coffee. Just to hear a little of their stories/hearts -I had never really considered how much they were affected by their siblings. Other things I've done this weekend - I went to lunch with M's parents. I was expecting it to be really awkward after eating dinner at their table on Friday night, but it ended up being really good. He is a doctor and she is a nurse and they are both pretty serious and well-put-together, but I really enjoyed spending time with them and getting to know more about them. I survived entertainment night on Saturday night, which I was kind of in charge of. I had my doubts, but it turned out pretty well. I spent a lot of time cooking and cleaning up- we fed 180 people some gourmet meals. This morning we have an on property worship service and family share time. I'm excited to hear ways the Lord has moved in families this weekend. It's been great getting a bigger picture of this ministry, all that it impacts, and what it is really about.

Psalm 118

Let those who fear the Lord say, "His lovingkindness is everlasting."
From my distress I called upon the Lord.
The Lord answered me and set me in a large place.
The Lord is for me, I will not fear;
What can man do to me?
The Lord is for me among those who help me;
Therefore I shall look with satisfaction on those who hate me.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.
You pushed me violently so that I was falling,
But the Lord helped me.
The Lord is my strength and my song.
And he has become my salvation.
I shall not die, but live, and tell the works of the Lord.
Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord.

Upcoming Events

So, parents/family weekend is coming quickly around the corner. It will take place Oct 18-21st and is a time for parents to visit their children here, get to know staff, attend helpful training and seminars, do family counseling, etc. This is a really big deal and many of the Littles are already both excited and apprehensive. I've been told (and have already started to notice) that as it approaches the Littles get heightened and nervous and as a result daily life is a little more stressful and they do more stupid things. I'm looking forward just to meeting families and getting more insight into where the Littles come from. Please be in prayer for healing and reconciliation as this weekend approaches as well as all the planning and preparation that remains.

Also, today we started praying about and planning a "spiritual retreat" that we will take 10 Littles on the first week of November. We want to keep it very simple, n ot high energy and flashy, but just basic- taking a look at who is God really, how can I know him? Maybe stemming from Psalm 46 the theme of "Be still and know that I am God". We hope to spend time in small groups so that we can share personal testimony of who God has been in our lives and help the Littles spend time alone seeking after him. Anyways, please pray as we plan this and choose which Littles will go - It's going to be an awesome focused opportunity to see God move.

Estes Park Birthday Extravaganza

After class Friday morning, Mary and I packed up and headed 1 & 1/2 hours West to camp in Estes Park. The drive was beautiful as was Estes Park on arrival. We pitched a tent at a KAO camp ground and then spent the afternoon walking around the downtown shops. We had dinner at a pizza place along the river walk, bought some necessary camping items (S'more ingredients and firewood) and then watched Bourne Ultimatum at a local theatre before returning to camp for fire time. It was really cold Friday night, so sleep was a bit limited, but that's what happens when you go camping in Colorado. Thankfully I had my new snow boots and silk thermals from my parents to sleep in. :o) We spent Saturday hiking and driving in Rocky Mountain National Park (it just happened to be "free day") . We saw lots of elk and even got snowed on. Saturday afternoon we drove back to Boulder and spent the evening downtown there. Downtown Boulder is probably one of the most interesting places to people watch ever - there are people from all walks of life and lots of street performers. Sunday morning we had a picnic outside of Starbucks, went to church, had lunch and chilled at the park until time to go to the airport. However we underestimated security and Mary didn't make her flight. So we had dinner with Ashley and then Mary stayed the Clark's before going back to the airport to catch an early flight out the next morning. When I went back to property Sunday night for our girl Bigs meeting, they had made a cake and had balloons and some fun little gifts for me. So I busted out my "party in a box" from the Murrays, complete with party hats, candy, party blowers, etc. It was great. "M" had even got me a little birthday present.
Yay for birthday weekends and time off and friends and the beautiful mountains!

A few Pictures

Jodi, Ashley, Pam, Becky


My LeadTime Class at Corn Maze on Doulos Day


Girl Bigs and House Staff on "Red Day" of Color Week

Marriage

This has been a theme the past couple of days, here are a few that you can be in prayer for.

-One LeadTimer, Josh and his wife. They have only been married about 7 months. She has yet to get a job since they moved here for the program. Finances are tight and there is lots of stress on the marriage. He left early yesterday and did not come in today. Pray the Lord would move mightily and enable Josh to lead his wife in truth.

-Another LeadTimer, Jeff just went back to Texas to get his wife and move all their stuff up here now that their house sold. However they have had U-Haul issues and so are a few days late getting back. Please pray for safe travel and adjustment to the new shape their married life will take on here.

-Our over night staff for the girl's house, Liana, is really struggling in her marriage and getting to the point of giving up. She knows the things she needs to do but just doesn't think its worth it. She know the Lord so pray he would unite them and hold them together for his purposes.

The Helmet

So, yesterday during our Bigs meeting - we do this every Thursday, all the Bigs and staff meet together just to connect with one another- I was bequeathed "the helmet". Every week the helmet is passed on to a different staff to recognize and affirm them in who they are and what they've been doing. Different people recognize you in front of the group and then everyone writes a little note for you too. It was pretty sweet to receive this. It feels undeserved, but was good just for making me feel loved and beautiful in who God has made me to be and what he has me in this place for. Thanks Lord!

So on another note, kind of connected to this, I got to talk to M's counselor again yesterday. We were just discussing the block M has with me and how a lot of that stems from me reminding her of her mom. In this, her counselor said that as she had listened to people describe me when I was awarded the helmet she had seen that if people were to describe M's mom, they would most likely say very similar things - everyone thinks she's great. So why wouldn't M like her? It has a lot to do with feeling unable to live up to the expectations of someone who is "good at everything". So this is kind of a weird thing to write about myself because it seems prideful, but I'm striving for honesty. I know how many things I am not good at, but I also know I've heard this line my whole life, "You are just good at everything". And as I look back at my life from the time when I was really young, there are very few times I ever really dealt with failure. How has this impacted me and others? I'm trying to figure it out. I think its built into me this reliance on my performance to prove/find my worth. And with this comes a great fear of failure. That's one reason why working at the daycare was so hard and why this year with the certainty and yet freedom of failing is hard, but much needed for me. How has this impacted others- I think it builds walls. My lack of vulnerability (due to fear of failure) combined with others perception of not being able to live up to expectations make quite a wall... I don't know, I'm really just thinking through this as I'm typing. If you have any insight or personal examples for me please share.

Captivating Ch. 3

We're also studying "Captivating". This week I've read and been thinking about how as a result of the fall the vulnerability and beauty gifted to women has been marred and replaced with a curse of loneliness, desire for control, and living under male dominance. Every woman is asking "Am I lovely?" and seeking to protect herself either through dominating and controlling, or being desolate and hiding. She then fulfills her hearts longings through little addictions and indulgences and quiet the longings temporarily but really only serve to separate her from her heart and fail to resolve the deeper issues. In this I've seen my more clearly my own fear of others and doubt that I'm worth paying attention to. This results in me hiding my true self and only offering what is wanted, not speaking up, busying myself, basic self protection. So obviously, living here has faced me to deal with these things day in and out as I am rejected and misunderstood. But I praise God, because even as I clearly see my struggle I see a lot of change and victory that the Lord has brought me to. From sharing when my heart is burdened with something in class even though it might be uncomfortable, to getting to know a homeless person in Boulder, to confronting Littles when I know how they will react...I see his growth and this is exciting! Though I have so far to go, I know He is moving me forward.

Strengths

So we're studying and exploring this topic some- and have watched some little videos by Marcus Buckingham- who studies people and their Strengths. He defined strength not traditionally, as the things you are good at, but instead as the things that make you feel strong. This is a neat way of viewing strengths. Instead of other people defining your strengths for you, you are the only one who can define your strengths and it involves more than just your talents, but your passions.
Anyways, my top 5 strengths are
1)Relator
2)Achiever
3)Developer
4)Belief
5)Connectedness
A relator thrives off deep intimate relationship- one-on-one, really knowing people. And achiever loves to work hard and accomplish things. Both of these are true to me. Do you know what your strengths are?

Psalm 149:4

For the LORD takes pleasure in His people. He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.

Unity

Please pray for unity for our team. We're starting to deal with division and personality clashes. Praise God that He has made us each as a much needed part of His body- unified by His Spirit, which is much stronger than all our differences. Pray that we would love and consider other before ourselves and be unified Christ amidst difficulty as a testimony before the Littles.

1 Corinthians 12

Something related to this that I am personally asking the Lord for help with is knowing and being ok with the part of the body that he has made me. It is easy to see the way other people are received or their talents and wish I was an "eye" instead of an "ear". But God has arranged the parts of the body, every one, just as he wants and if they were all one part where would the body be? And what God sees as valuable is not what man sees or what produces the most results or is best accepted on earth.

On a walk the other day I noticed the difference between the rugged wild beauty of nature (weeds, bugs, flowers, pretty plants, things that were dead, trees, ugly plants, animals, all mixed together) and the picturesque beauty of the man-made neighborhoods (perfectly cultivated and structured beautiful houses and gardens). How true is this to life? What God sees as beautiful and what man sees as such are so different. I desire to line my heart up with my head in this and walk in confidence in my Lord as the head of the body and the part of the body he has made me to be.

A day in the life - Mood ring

Jenna and I listened to this on our last break and cracked up because it is so stinkin' true to life here.

Mood Ring by Reliant K
we all know the girls that i am talking about
well they are time bombs and they are ticking
and the only question's when they'll blow up
and they'll blow up; we know that without a doubt
cause they're those girls, yeah you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them

and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...

she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"

if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize

and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...

she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so stressed out that it's soothing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"

cause when it's black (it) means watch your back because you're probably
the last person in the world right now she wants to see
and when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately
and ask her out because she'll most likely agree
and when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
and when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless (and that's all right i must confess)

we all know the girls that i am talking about
she liked you wednesday but now it's friday and she has to wash her hair
and it just figures that we'll never figure them out
first she's jekyll and then she's hyde....at least she makes a lovely pair

mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind

C - Little of the Week

Wow, what a turn around has occurred in C this week. All the Littles had their "staffing" on Monday where they get feedback from all the staff here about how they are doing an things they need to work on. Well C got a lot of hard things and challenges shared with her, because she has just been in a bad place for a long time now and things really needed to change if she was gong to stay in the program. and its like she's been a new girl this week. She's been working on her treatment plan, doing her chores, taking shower, smiling more and being more respectful. So even though, she's still got much to work on, we awarded her "Little of the the Week" today for the changes she has made. And, we found out after giving her this, that she broke up with Nick, the guy who was not good for her and consuming her and causing her to avoid her real issues today. AND, she apologized to N in front of everyone for beating her up a few weeks ago. WOW! Way to go Lord!

The difficult part of this, is that C is probably going to have to leave soon even though she is finally starting to move forward. Her mom is trying to get he into some state program. Because C has been so up and down and was pretty much on the last straw here, she had been looking in to other options for her. Even though she is doing well, whenever she is accepted into this other program, her mom is planning on pulling her and moving her there, because she is afraid that otherwise C will just end up getting kicked out and she will have no where for her to go. So please pray for the Lord's hand in all of this...We don't want C to leave, but that is her mom's choice- we know the Lord can take care of it.

Shelterwood Site

This is a fairly recently updated web-page that has interviews and information that shares more information about the program the Littles are going through here.

http://www.shelterwood.org/

My struggle

Being real and being myself with the Littles.

It's not very difficult with the Bigs and staff.

But with the Littles what I have to offer isn't really wanted, and I'm rejected over and over.

Due to fear and vulnerability, my natural response in the middle of this is to
just turn off
disengage
not pursue
shut down
not offer my true self anymore.
Half the time I forget who I am and what I have to offer.
I think I struggled with this a lot at the daycare too. Too many tasks to accomplish and my real heart not being wanted anyways, so just turning it off.

Pray that I would be aware of who I am in the Lord and offer myself without condition and regardless of response. That I would fully engage and be real around the Littles.

Morocco and Missions

Monday morning we had a morning of learning about and praying for Morocco. Four LeadTimers from last year's class are headed there on a missions trip until December. We watched part of the movie “Babel” that was filmed there- it just wrenched my heart. I wanted to be there. It reminded me so much of Nepal. The simple, weathered, beautiful, generous people. No entitlement – so different than us and our world. I just love that world- I love those people. I think I cry even more for us and our blindness to them and to life than for them. I don’t know – Monday really opened up a yearning from the depth of my heart – I always know its there, but it hasn’t been opened a whole lot lately. Lord, please do with that what you will. I'm glad we have a big God, sovereign over this big world, with a big heart for all its people.

Campfire

Pam and E


B, T & NW, Desi

Last Saturday night we had a successful house night full of kickball, bonfire, smores, and guitar. What could be better? And most of the girls actually participated and enjoyed it!

Some Introductions

Desi and Book- our girl's house directors. These beautiful women are roomates. They live off property, but spend a lot of time at the house. They deal with money, Dr's appointments, parents, etc. Most importantly they've got our back on discipline and come to our rescue in crisis situations. Book is discipling me this semester.



"Granny" (Jenny) and "Papa Joe" - our LeadTime Directors. What a blessing these 2 are. They plan all our studies and activities as a LeadTime class and just disciple us and walk before us. I have much to learn from them and love their unique personalities and hearts for the Lord.



Julie- she's Direct Care Staff for the girls. She's crazy and fun and has spent a lot of time getting to know our LT class. Its nice to have her and another DC around who are more familiar with the girls and the routine than we are.



Jones, one of the Counselors for the Littles. She is also a lot of fun and has made a great effort to welcome our class, get to know us, and bless us.

Praire Dogs- the squirrel of Colorado

Isn't he cute? These guys rule the ecosystem out here. We also have a ton of rabbits - and I saw my first snake this week too. Praire dogs look cute scurying all about between their tunnels, barking, and peeping out of their holes, but they're actually kind of ugly up close. I'm betting that before I leave Colorado I will hit one on my bike because they're always making a mad dash in front of my tires.

What a wierd place Colorado is- so much life and ruggedness. I still can't get over the mountains, the smell of pine, or the little streams everywhere....And don't forget the fact that the temperature has been in the sixties all week! This place is good for my soul.

M's progress

So, about a week ago, M had an epiphany. She realized that she’s pretty much made no progress here the last 3 months due to the fact that she isn’t being herself. M is definitely the “best” kid here in that she’s never had issues with sex, drinking, drugs, etc. However she still has a lot she needs to work though but instead she’s getting upset over things she isn’t really upset over and dealing with other people’s issues instead of her own. She doesn’t want to do this anymore! Praise the Lord. She’s talked with both her counselor and her parents about it and is now just trying to make the daily changes to walk it out. Thank you so much for your prayers for her. Please pray for power and freedom now that she is really ready to move forward. More than anything that she would know her worth and the depth of the Lord’s love for her.

M and I had a good Big-Little last Friday, we baked together. It was nice to have time together and a chance to ask her real questions because she had been ignoring me again since our one real conversation and doing some things to intentionally hurt me. During our Big-Little,M told me that a lot of the reason she has trouble opening up to me and responding to me in a healthy way is that I remind her a lot of her mother. She wasn’t sure why other than that I was “strict”, but she knew this wasn’t the full extent of why I reminded her of her mom. She and her mother do not have a good relationship. I know from M’s counselor that her mother holds up an “I’m perfect” image and although she hasn’t said it, I’m afraid she may view me this way too. I’ve talked to her about this a little, but please just pray for opportunities for me to be real and broken before her. Also, although it kind of makes things difficult in the immediate, the fact that I remind her of her mother in the long run could be a really good thing. Pray our sovereign God would use this to move mightily and bring healing in their relationship.

Fun with the Littles

SJ and T with Ashley at our dance party Friday night



A with Katie, her big. A was honored as "Little of the week"



NY, B, and SJ Monday on our outing to downtown Denver.

Throwin' blows

Umm, so we had the joy of experiencing our first fight last night. Sunday night, during study hall time we have "Sunday Schpele". This means that while the girls are locked away in their rooms studying (yeah right) - The girl Bigs have a chance to get on the same page and catch up with one another. Its a very important and much needed time. Well, last night, we finished Sunday Schpele to find lots of excitement and whispering. So we're trying to figgure out what's going on and it ends up that one of the Littles beat up another Little during Sunday Schpele. That made for a long night- yes, with trying to figgure things out and calling the house director and cops, and settling everyone down, but much more than with these things, with my heart. Its amazing how the moment one person or situation escalates here, so does everything else. Its like everyone has to try and find some way to "one up" whatever is going on and try and get more attention for themselves. Its crazy. After things settled down last night, the moment I opened the door to my room I fell apart- and that lasted a few hours till I fell asleep. I don't know why everything here tears me apart so much, it just does. Satan is such a punk- I was really mad at him last night.

Today was fun. The Littles were out of school, so for the ones that weren't room grounded we tried to just get them out of the house. I got to take 3 girls to downtown Denver to this outdoor mall, and some of the other girls went iceblocking. I was a Little nervous becuase it was my first time to take Littles off property by myself, much less to downtown Denver, with 3 girls that I did't really have a relationship with. But they were so good. They are always a million time better one-on-one or in small groups. Even though there was no deep relationship building today, I am trusting that as over time we get to do things with the girls and serve them in different ways they'll come to see us as people and decide they might want to get to know us.

I had a great realization yesterday afternoon....... I'm not supposed to be friends with the Littles. I am supposed to love and serve them, but not be their friend. The Bigs and staff are for that. Not the Littles. And that may seem like a no-brainer, but its really hard to tell that to insecure emotions that desire for the girl's approval and friendship. But that's not my role. And really in just being here and being consistent and taking the opportunities the Lord provides and speaking truth He can use me perfectly. And as much as it may feel like it, this doesn't require being their friends. I guess its kinda like being a parent.

Tomorrow is our first day of LeadTime class. Yay!

Catch Up

Sorry I haven't written- things are pretty busy around here
Wednesday and Thursday morning were difficult. I think just because of so much change (coming back to property, new Bigs and a new Little, school starting back) emotions were heightened which was draining. It’s easy to see yourself the way others see you too- and so just struggling with feeling worthless. Then Thursday afternoon after the Littles had group counseling they decided to “initiate” us by hiding with one of the counselors and faking a “run”. And then they wanted to play this silly game to embarrass each of the Bigs. Even though they may have felt like “haha, we’re initiating them”, they really were enjoying themselves and it was a sign of acceptance to us.

Then Thursday night M finally talked to me for real – apologized for ignoring me and just told me some about her past and things she struggles with. Praise God! This is a big victory. It was kinda cool because I had e-mailed asking for prayer about that Thursday afternoon and late Thursday night, when M came to get me another Big, Ashley has just asked me about her and how things were and I didn’t really know how to answer. So thanks for your prayers.

Friday morning was super encouraging. Every Friday morning the Bigs have worship/prayer and girls/guys small group. The girls are going through “Captivating” this semester. I am really excited about this time to share, grow, and seek the Lord together, and this week it was just a reminder of a lot of the reason why we’re here. We knew that, but since we hadn’t really done it yet, I had forgotten.

I also got to talk to M’s counselor on Friday morning. This was very insightful and helpful. Then Friday afternoon and evening was just hanging out with the Littles. The old Bigs were allowing M to do things that I felt like was allowing her to manipulate them and stay where she was rather than move forward with her therapy. Her counselor confirmed this and said we needed to change things and that she would help by speaking with both M and the Bigs.

Friday is the official Big/Little night – Time where we hang out and do fun things with our assigned girls. M has “hours” though which means that we can’t leave property. “Hours” are work hours that the girls are given as consequences. Me and M didn’t really do anything for Big-Little, but that’s ok. Some of the girls go to Celebrate Recovery at our church on Friday night too. Also, a couple girls got room grounded b/c some tobacco was found in a bag when they came back from break. This means one of us has to be at the house and with them pretty much all the time.

Saturday morning the girls get to sleep in some and then we do “work project” – mainly cleaning up around property. I lucked out and got to go on the Walmart run during work project to get the kids requests for them. We just hang out for the afternoon and then tonight we have “house night”. We’re all just gunna have a game night together.

So I know this was probably a little hard to follow, but maybe it gives a peek into what things are like around here.

Transition

Have I mentioned that I love my team of Bigs? I really do. Yesterday we had a fun day of hiking for "Doulos Day" which is a day we'll spend once a month just with the other Bigs and the staff. There are pictures on Facebook becuase one of the counselors here is a big Facebooker.
This afternoon we had a BBQ and scavenger hunt with the Littles.

Tonight was pretty rough. The old Bigs officially left about 2 hours ago. There were a lot of tears, which is a really big deal for these girls. The girls here tonight are all really upset. One of them cut - which happens to be quite the fad around here.
Tomorrow is our first day officially "on coverage". We will pick up the girls who are still on break from the airport and the real fun will begin. The girls who are coming back tomorrow actually have the stronger more vocal personalities and for the most part are the girls who have been here longer and will take the change even harder.

One good thing in the middle of this is that for the first time since Sunday afternoon, "M", my Little talked to me and acknowledged my presence as a human. It wasn't a big conversation, but it was a big step. Hopefully I'll get to talk to her for real soon. Please pray for so much grace these next few days. That the joy of the LORD would be our strength.

Thanks for your prayers. It is good to be alive. To enjoy the sun and the mountains and beautiful people. To know the powerful Word of our God, and to be in the place he has put me. I am really having a good time here. We got to go outdoor rockclimbing yesterday. How fun!

The 5, 9+ rock we conquered

Please pray against any apathy for my team. This next week will have a big impact on our whole year since as the other Bigs leave we will be begining the new routine and setting the tone for what's ahead. Oh how we need to seek and rely completely on our Father. We all agree that anything good that is accomplished in this place is going to have to be done by the work of God - pray that our actions would reflect this.

This is in Downtown Denver - we don't look like apathetic people do we?

I don't think I've put up a picture of Jodi yet - the last girl added to our team- she's fun.

Today

Me and Tasha, M's old Big, picked her up from the airport this afternoon as she returned from her time home. I'm so excited to begin spending time with her and learning more about her. (Did I mention that we get to do fun things like strip searches here?)

Pray for our interaction with the old Bigs- it hasn't been that great so far. This is a hard time and transition for everyone. But we definitely need their wisdom since they are just finishing what we are about to begin- pray that there would be a chance for us to really glean from them before they leave, the 28th.

Rules and other thoughts

Rules- there sure are a lot of them around here - its kind of like working at a prison. :o) Just kidding, but I definitely feel like its going to be impossible to remember, much less enforce all of the rules. The good thing is that the rules are here to serve relationship, which is what really brings change. (Rather than the rules being almighty and relationship being in place to serve them, which is more typical and much less effective)I'm not too great at enforcing, confronting, dealing with conflict, etc and that is going to be daily life around this place. And when I do have to deal with a problem, my tendancy is to go into what we call "helicopter mode" and try to fix things myself -thinking that others need me to help. But people have to learn how to deal with situations and make good choices themselves without others controlling them, or fixing things for them.

We're learning all the theories of correctly dealing with crisis situations right now - its really intersting and very wise, and totally doesn't come naturally. Supposedly, the only thing constant in this place is chaos. Seems true enough so far. I'm asking the Lord to free me of the need and desire to be in control, to fix things, to have the right answer. And at the same time to give me the strength to be firm and consistent.

Supposedly I am going to fail here every day. Seems true enough so far. I don't like to fail - I'm asking the Lord to free me of this performance based, people pleasing, prideful living. (And by the way, if he could, I'd like him to do it without me having to fail to much .....wait a minute, i guess that's the problem)

I'm also asking him to free me of judgemental attitudes and teach me to really see and love people like him. I know he's changed me a lot in this over the years (I'm from a rich, white, subarb) but that I still have a long way to go.

I'd love for you to pray these things for me too.

The Property

My new favorite thing to drive

The Gazebo area

The front living room and Bigs office in the girls house

My hammock in front of the Dining Hall/meeting area/classroom building

Our high ropes course and rock wall

Basketball court and land

The volleyball court, parking lot, main office, and entryway

In addition to these, there is a pool, a metal playground, a guys house, another girls house, and a weight room. The actual property/facility has grown on me quickly - I really like it. Its not that big of a place though in comparison to a camp, so its definitely nice to leave property when an opportunity presents itself.